Published on Mar 16, 2017
It's a hard thing to explain to someone who has never felt the urge. That dark thought creeping up in the back of your head. That thought begins to eclipse everything. It eats away at you. How can you explain something you can't quantify? That others couldn't physically see? You are surrounded by people but screaming on the inside.
I felt numb. Sad. Desperate. Panicky. Lonley. It wasn't my first time and still fear that it will come back.
It ruined by job, friendships, and romantic relationships. It was a slippery slope. The more it took, the more it got worse. The more hopeless everything seemed. "Why bother?" I would ask myself. "Who the fuck cares?" and "What's the point?" Especially since friends don't want to talk about why I was acting like a jerk or flaky.
The world was void of color - I felt no joy for anything. My body felt heavy. All the fucking time. My chest hurt. I had panic attacks every morning and would drink to calm my nerves. I would go days without even brushing my teeth. I just did not care.
What kept me from taking that step over the edge was my brother. It wasn't that he talked me out of it - It was the fact that I couldn't leave him. He's my only family and I couldn't inflict any more death on him. Some say suicide is selfish. Some say brave. One of my closest friends said, "How would you feel if I did that to you?" and the heart I thought I lost hurt thinking about that.
There was no "Aha!" moment of clarity. No knight in shining armor came. No turning point. No flowery speech someone gave me. Beginning to claw your way out of it is the hardest thing to do, but it gets easier from there. And shrinks (legit Phd and MDs) and friends and family can only do so much. It doesn't happen overnight.
Just think of one simple thing, no matter how trivial. A cat. A pizza. Pam from Archer. The feeling of a new pair of socks. Something. Anything to cling to. And you can build from there. You have to have some small light of hope somehwere in your being, no matter how hard it hurts and how hard it is to see.
The days are long and hard. Every day seems bleak. But every day is a small victory and a step closer to getting back to who you really are, because this is not you. Everything is clouded and it's hard to be rational and clear.
Remeber, a lot of times it's chemical. And you might need medication. I know a lot of people are scared of the side effects, but it makes me feel like myself again. Or even better.
Even though it doesn't feel like it, remember you are loved. And even though I don't know you, I love you.
- Chewy Boese
